I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize