How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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