And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
