May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
