you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
