my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
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