so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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