Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
