I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
