I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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