ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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