I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
