dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
