She is in my trunk
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
