I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
