Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
