I wanna bring you to show and tell
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
