The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
