I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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