I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
