He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
