break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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