Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
