You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
