I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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