she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
