hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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