last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize