Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
