I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
