I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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