i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
