Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
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