3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
