You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize