Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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