god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
