Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
