all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
