By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize