she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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