i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
