I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
