just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
