8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
