i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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