i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
