Kiss
Puke
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
