What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
