My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
