It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
