I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
