The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
