I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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