Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
