In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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