I wish they made helmets for livers.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
