I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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