oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
