WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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