Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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