she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
