Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How does one acquire holy water?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
