She is in my trunk
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
