nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
