i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
