We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
