just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
