im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
