the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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