Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize