The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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