so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
