I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
